xXtempestnovaXx's Xanga

w/e

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 20:17:25 GMT

I think I prefer Xanga more than Livejournal. Simply because you can make it look any way you want, and you can have the album right at the top of the page.

I think I'll still post here too. I miss xanga..its so weird. I think i want to read some old entries.

Moving On

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 10:52:36 GMT

I think I'm going to give Xanga a rest for a short while. I'll be posting more at my livejournal. If you want the link, email me.

Amazing

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 19:59:52 GMT

The final Death. :****(

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 05:45:27 GMT

Todays entry will be me and my mind. This is whats on my mind tonight, and its so ridiculous...

Steve Irwin. So people roll their eyes and such and say, what a dumbass and such. But you know what? Steven Irwin's show was something my dad and I did together, its one of the last things we can still do together that doesnt make me hate him. We both loved his quirky sense of humor, we loved his show, and we love animal shows. It just...made me happy. And when he died, it just kind of signaled the last death of my father and I's relationship. Its like, everything we had in common is dead.

But aside from that, it makes me fucking sad that he died, because his kids are so young... This sucks. I fucking loved Steve Irwin, and anyone who fucking critizises can fuck off. He was a great guy and a loving father. muh

ah those nights...

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 06:44:16 GMT

I was waling down the sidewalk this evening. 2:00 am, early morning intoxication. Always the night time, always the ever present sensuality of the night. Whether it be the domain of the wicked, the silent, or the truly insightful, none matters. The retribution of the days of old are long since past, days of silent prayers to long dead Gods and Deity’s. Mysticism, mythology, all enterprises long ago forgotten and the art deadened by the passage of time. But the moment you close your eyes, the moment in time when you hear a presence whisper to you, “listen…and you will learn” Its in that moment that I realize,… thank god. Maybe not god,…or at least the conventionalist god of western society… and maybe not some mystical force that guides our world. But thank <i>god</i>. I wouldn’t want it any other way. And I am sure…that if you would try to listen, you would finally see what it was trying to tell you. And be all the better for it.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 11:05:58 GMT

THIS IS IT. This is the life you have led so far, and when you look back its all brilliance good times and straight highs that you noticed when that song came on. It’s me wanting to cry right now and not bein able to. The life I lead, the serenity and excitement used in the same sentence that proclaim I am happy with this world, yet I need the experience of more. Moremore fucking more and more! Its late night 6:36 am transcended experiences because of my disposition for the like-minded. Can you sing with me, dear reader, can you feel the expansions and souring sky lights in my life, this is my life, my life, this is my life. THUS IT IS, THIS IT IS, THIS IS IT.

I am so enlightened, so in tune. I am listening to a piece of heaven, yet at the same time I know its divinity to be fact, I question and doubt the content of its source. I thought maybe it would be a good idea to think about the things I love and shit I think about sometimes. It’s a list of almost anything that I could think to write really.

I love the way my music can own my soul.

Its amazing staring out the windows of bathrooms.

I am happy with late nights and thoughts of people I can never have.

I like dreaming of love with the men I meet, even knowing it will never happen.

The name Gwenavere and Logain are perfect.

I want to make music

I want to make love and fuck

I don’t give a fucking shit, so back the fuck off.

I fear being trapped inside my own mind.

Cities are brilliance because they house human beings.

I love to watch people I don’t know and imagine their lives as stories I’ll write one day.

I live to find like-minded individuals.

I could only ever love a like-minded other, anyone dumber than me is out of the question.

I smoke more weed than I should, but I don’t care, and I don’t care if my friends think I do it for popularity or because its cool. I do it for the elation, the perfect evenings spent at half the time of normal time. Because normality is boring and drugs are the way of sensing a bit of heaven stuck on earth.

I like spending time with the following people :: Prari, Crystal, David, Kat, Corrina, Kristin, Daniel, James, my brother and his girlfriend Tiffany, Chris S, Scot, Terrel.

I have a shitty phone.

I am brilliant.

Led Zeppelin are my gods and I would have had sex with them.

Dear God and I are best friends but in no way you can imagine.

I stay up late nights, high and loving life, and the next day realize how every moment I live is better than the last I had.

I dream dream, and dream.

I sometimes write to a person by referring them as you in this xanga, hoping they will read the words but knowing they never will.

I love my hands, even though I think they are manly…a fact probably because I play the bass.

Taking guitar lessons this year is one of the only things I ever want to do.

I have a crazy list of things to do before I die.

I would like to say that I intend on traveling. One day, I’m going to be sitting in my room staring at the street lights around me, loving the world, and I will decide, in the dead of night when all sleep and I sour, that I am going to go on my own adventure. I’m going to pack my bag, steal some money, and I’m going to get in my car, pressing the accelerator and speed away from the whole world. I’ll call someone, someone I think maybe would go with me. I’d call someone like…like Scot or Kero, like maybe Chris because he would do it. “You always say you aren’t spontaneous enough, well…I’m holding my hand out and I’m asking you if you are willing to leave, right now, and not look back until God leads us back this way. I’m asking you to grab a pack, steal some fucking money and live the life you always dreamed you could. I’m asking you to come with on the most amazing journey of your life, to distant lands and crazy nights of complete strangers and exotic lands. Will you do it?” And will he accept? Perhaps. I found his xanga tonight, this is why I mention him. I wish I could get to know him more, even if he only ever came over to my room for my room-mate. It was an amazing thing, my friend, that conversation of ours, and you enlightening me again and showing me there WERE others out there. Thankyou for more than you know.

And to others who are would be traversers and travelers, lets go into the night, the mornings, the brilliance of the cosmos and see the world we were born into. Lets drive as far as we can, and then lets abandon the car and hitchhike wherever the person driving is willing to take us. Lets piss on the Hollywood sign and sneak into a party where 30 seconds to mars is recording a brand new song with our names put on the cd cover because of the strange evening we managed to forge with the band members. Lets have sex inside a church if you’re into that, and then laugh about it later as we sip tea in some shoddy restaurant. THIS IS THE WORLD, THIS IS YOUR LIFE, THIS IS YOUR LIFE ON DRUGS, THUS IS YOUR LIFE ON YOUR LIFE. Congratulations Kristen, you have just made an un-witting ally out of the reading party. And if not… that’s ok too.

ECHELON – 30 Seconds to Mars “whats with this circumstantial consequence, find over side before this night will ever rise again. Its all you’ve got inside your head, better up and leave you stay. It took a moment before I lost myself in here, It took a moment and I could not be found. Againg and again and again I see your face in everything, it took a moment, a moment, it could not be found. To find ourselves lost here with in, even the reasons why, so we take this bridge with the others and find ourselves in the great divide. Look at the red, red changes in the sky….”

Come with me, I dare you.

Music and shitty summer

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 10:30:04 GMT

Ok, you’re my friends, call me please. I’m depressed and need to see people, and I’m depressed because I’m lonely. It’s fixable really.

New Albums of awesomness that I need to get. Yes, I could probably dl these but I want to own them. I got Thome York’s solo album a month early, so if you want it, I can help you. Just IM me, :P.

Muse - Black Holes and Revelations (July 3, 2006)

Massive Attack - Collected

Paul Oakenfold - A Lively Mind (June 6, 2006)

Lacuna Coil - Karmacode

Sneaker Pimps - Splinter

the post of A Dirty Job: On being Death

Tue, 30 May 2006 08:55:50 GMT

One Monday, just for sport, Charlie grabbed an eggplant that a spectacularly wizened granny was going for, but instead of twisting it out of his hand with some mystic kung-fu move as he expected, she looked him in the eye and shook her head-just a jog, barely perceptible really-it might have been a tie, but it was the most eloquent of gestures. Charlie read it as saying: Oh White Devil, you do not want to purloin that purple fruit, for I have four thousand years of ancestors and civilization on you; my grandparents built the railroads and dug the silver mines, and my parents survived the earthquake, the fire, and a society that outlawed even being Chinese; I am mother to a dozen, grandmother to a hundred, and great-grandmother to a legion; I have birthed babies and washed the dead; I am history and suffering and wisdom; I am a Buddha and a dragon; so you get your fucking hand off of my eggplant before you loose it.

this song saved my soul

Sun, 28 May 2006 06:11:14 GMT

download this song, and read this while listening to it...or not, but i reccomend it.

Adagio for Strings - Samuel Barber

I was sitting in my room tonight listening to music on random. I’ve had a tough time in life recently and this experience…well, I thought that I would share it with you all…maybe it will help.

Its always been my belief that in this life, god grants us, or a spirit, or SOME higher power gives us a love..a brilliance, a fire-fly in the middle of a giant black hole just so that we could see something when we were faced with a future of nothing. I believe mine is the gift of song, the gift of god. I believe that god granted us with a tiny piece of heaven when he gave us music, a miniscule bit of eternal bliss, and he sent it down to us as a reminder of something, something that is crystal, good

…brilliant.

We’re all different, we all have that one thing in life that seems to block everything bad out. There’s always that one constant, for everyone, that you can go back to, to taste at heaven even when things are so dismal and bleak that low doesn’t seem to touch at the chord of what it is you’re feeling, or missing in your life. I know that at the end of the day, when I lay down in bed at night, and my consciousness is the only thing to keep me company as twilight closes in around me for a brief period, I will have my music to keep me company. I will have things like, Samuel Barbers Adagio for Strings or Massive Attack’s What your Soul Sings… I’ll have the colossal but infinitely small gift of music that god decided to give to me during those times just before sleep takes me.

I have changed so much in the past year alone that it astounds me to look back on the person I once was, and the person I’m slowly molding into. And even now, when things have not gotten better, I have this constant.

I was sitting in my room tonight listening to music on random, and I was feeling that low low point. And that is when I heard Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings. A song that has attached itself to events and people in my life…and for the first time in so long, I blocked everything and I merely listened. What I discovered is that god or whoever was listening, and his answer to my prayers, my thoughts, the loneliness, the damn shit over the past year…was the song itself.

I don’t really know if this was a secular incident, random maybe…but I felt it…I knew that maybe this was god’s way of telling me that everything over the past year, the betrayal’s, the heartache, the pressure, the struggles that I never thought I would have to endure….I think it was his way of telling me that everything, at least in this moment was going to be ok…that for that one moment in time, he was going to hold me. He was going to protect me. He was going to remind me that he was there.

I’ve never been one for religion. Indeed, I’ve never much thought about the supernatural…but I know that I was able to taste heaven in that moment, and any moment when I block the world from my thoughts, and put on that song, or any music for that matter. Its just my hope that maybe one of you will be able to have that moment too. At least I know at the end of the day when I am alone in my bed, that I can taste heaven before I fall asleep.

The post of Reflection

Sat, 27 May 2006 05:29:20 GMT

I saw X-Men 3 twice this weekend. It was good. I am back at my dad’s. I am glad to be alone I think. I was in a bad mood most of the night for some reason, though not anyone’s fault. I felt…I don’t know it was like I felt alone the entire time I was with all of my friends. It’s hard being around my friends because I secretly curse my bad luck. Every time I’m around anyone, it’s a reminder to me how much I don’t have, and then my brain comes back and snaps me back to being grateful. Its not that I’m jealous, I’m really not. I don’t want what others have, I want what I had back. I want life to be easier for me. But its not getting easier, its getting harder. And I feel like I’m making this journey on my own. My mom, brother, brother and friends aren’t next to me as I go through this. David has been. Only David. David has never forsaken me, and I will never do the same for him. There are others, just David seems prevalent in my mind for now. I miss him so much it hurts sometimes. I know he is a true friend.

I took a shower this evening and felt like I washing myself free of sin and strife, pain and bullshit. I felt clean in a new sense of the word. Daniel wrote the most beautiful thing for Amanda for her birthday and the while time I was thinking to myself, I hope that I find someone who is as sweet as he is to her. And what struck me even more was that he hasn’t even met her in real life, and yet he holds this kind of elevated platform for her to stand on. I want Daniel to be happy, he deserves it so much more than most people.

I suppose, while my worst fear seems to remain being alone, that I may embrace that kind of state…because honestly, I really do believe that is my fate. I only hope that on the day I die, I will know why it is that God decided to put me on this planet. Like my Mother says her reason was to be a Mother, and Daniel says his is to help people, and my brother’s is to save people. I hope that whatever reason, it can be at least as equally righteous as those.

I hope that I can defeat these demons that seem to live in my mind these days, and sap my willpower and my energy. I am drained, from all points and sides this past year, and I continue to fall into this irreversible rut. The sad thing is, I don’t believe that it will be time for me to move on with my own life until I know that those closest to me are on their way already. I am not a leader, but I am not a follower either. My path, is perhaps to walk slowly at the back of the group and push those who seek my help, as well as some who seek none at all so that they may reach that final destination of whatever it may be. Who knows. I’m ready to be tripped out again, I’m ready to be unconscious, and most importantly, maybe I’m ready to start embracing the idea of loneliness. Once you accept your fate, the more you can work with it.

…What song/band…

Reminds you of an ex-lover:

Reminds you of your best friend:

Tool’s Schism. Always reminds me a of Jessica

Makes you cry:

Some Devil – Dave Mathews reminds me of the promise my father made and broke

Vermillion pt. 2 by Slipknot I think Scot WAS right when he said that night was one of the greatest of my life. He was right, because I was there, and I heard the song and felt what his words meant in that moment.

Makes you laugh:

Fuck her Gently or Tribute by Tenacious D

Reminds you of the one you once wanted:

Rooster - Alice in Chains

You wish you wrote:

Battle of Evermore – Led Zeppelin

Give-Gave-Forgiven – The John Francis

You never want to hear again:

That stupid fucking booty song, and ANYTHING by modest mouse and the Dresden Dolls. SHITY MUSIC, and everyone who doesn’t like it can suck my ass. I don’t classify loud random sounds as singing.

You want to get married to:

Dunno, not the bridal song

You used to hate but now love:

Play – David Banner I hate the lyrics, but I love the beat

You like to wake up to:

Anzan

Massive Attack’s 100^th Window

You like out of your parent’s record collection:

Eagles, Doobie Brothers

You love that you wouldn’t know about if it wasn’t for a friend:

RadioHead – Scot

And no, not massive attack because I was the one who got scot into them. J

The John Francis - David

Paul Oakenfold - Scot

Makes you think of someone who died:

Hurt – The Johnny Cash version

You sing in the shower:

Whatever is stuck in my head

You sing when you’re alone:

Evanescence – Hello and haunter

You love the video more than the tune:

Nine Inch Nails – Only but I still love the song

Reminds you of your first crush:

You love which is from a movie:

Rob Dougan – Clubbed to Death

Makes you think of the moon:

Massive Attack - What your Soul Sings

Makes you think of stars:

Massive Attack – A Prayer for England

Makes you think of the sun:

Red hot Chili Peppers - Cabron

Makes you think of the night:

Motorcycle Paul Oakenfold remix – As the Rush Comes

Makes you think of sex:

Tricky – You Make me Wanna

Makes you think of being alone:

Some Devil – Dave Matthews

Massive Attack – What your Soul Sings